Alex Kicks The Bucket Read online

  There was some sort of irony there, but he never paid enough attention in English class to have the capacity to dissect nonsense like that.

  Stephen watched him from under his glasses, feeling strangely said.

  “Come on, kid,” he said. “Let’s do something fun.”

  Alex said nothing.

  “You don’t want to waste your last day like this,” Stephen said. “Trust me; speaking from experience, you’ll regret it.”

  Alex shoved his fries away from him.

  “The way I see it,” he said, levelling his gaze on Stephen, “it’s my day to do whatever I want with. This is what I want to do.”

  “What about Kate?” Stephen said. “Go to the party, she’ll be drunk, she’ll be making rash decisions considering that she’s going to top herself again before long.”

  Alex wished he could grab Stephen’s head and slam it into the table until blood came out of his ears. Until his glasses shattered and shards of them lodged themselves into those stupid, empty eyes of his.

  “And you think that’s funny, don’t you?” Alex said bitterly. “That she’ll do it anyway. That I’ve wasted my time.”

  Stephen shrugged, grinning.

  “Whatever you want to think Alex,” he said. “Whatever you want to tell yourself. You just carry on doing what you always do.”

  “You’re a prick,” Alex said.

  “Yeah,” Stephen said. “But I don’t have to be nice, do I? You’re not exactly Mother Theresa yourself.”

  “I don’t get this,” Alex said, standing up. “I don’t get you.”

  He put his head in his hands, howling in despair. A few people turned to watch, absently continuing to shovel food in their mouths as they did.

  “Why is this happening?” Alex said, his voice muffled by his hands. “Why me?”

  “I told you,” Stephen said. “Clerical error. You’re not special, you weren’t chosen. This is just how it goes. Sheer, dumb luck.”

  Stephen slurped his shake.

  “Or lack, thereof, I guess,” he added.

  “It’s fucked up,” Alex said, pulling at his hair.

  He felt like this was it. Like he was finally going to come apart at the seams. He couldn’t feel physical pain or die before the end of the day, but he wondered if he could still lose his fucking marbles.

  He realised that he couldn’t even taste the burgers he ate. That the large coke he had with his meal slid down his throat without even an ounce of feeling. No brain freeze, no nothing.

  “I know it is, Alex,” Stephen said, his voice unusually soft. “Come on, don’t be like this.”

  “Balls to this,” Alex said, pushing his chair in out of polite habit. “I’d rather spend the rest of my day lying in a ditch than listen to your stupid shit for one more second.”

  Stephen stood up too. He was just about at the end of his tether too. He’d been patient with the kid, but things were getting ridiculous now.

  “Relax,” he said. “Go home, join your party. Make a move on Kate before Paul does.”

  Alex rounded on him, looking disgusted.

  “That’s not how it works,” he said. “She’s not like that.”

  “Oh sure,” Stephen said. “Because you know so much about her, don’t you? Well you’re right. It doesn’t work like that, because girls go for guys like Paul. Guys who are fun to be around, guys who have got their shit together. They ignore spineless little snails like you, don’t they? Even when you save a life they didn’t want saved and buy them gifts they didn’t fucking want.”

  By the end of his little speech, Stephen is shouting too.

  “And that’s the universes’ fault, isn’t it?” he said. “It couldn’t be yours, because the world is always against you. But here’s the thing, there’s one common denominator in all of this.”

  He jabbed Alex roughly in the chest with one of his long fingers.

  “You know,” he said. “If you smell shit everywhere, maybe you should check your own shoes.”

  “Fuck you,” Alex said, pushing him.

  Stephen let himself be pushed. He sensed the need for catharsis, and he was providing it.

  “You’ve always been a fuck up, Alex,” Stephen said. “Your whole life.”

  “Don’t you dare,” Alex said, trembling.

  “Yeah, let’s get into it,” Stephen said. “Your little brother, Chris. What happened to him?”

  “Shut up,” Alex said. “Shut your fucking face.”

  He wasn’t shouting any more, he was pleading. Tears started to stream down his face. They had an enraptured crowd now; every single eye in the restaurant was on them. Neither of them cared. They would both be gone tomorrow.

  “You froze,” Stephen hissed. “Didn’t you? You were supposed to watch him, and you left him to burn. You saved yourself, and for what? For this? So you could fuck everything up this badly?”

  Alex grabbed Stephen by the collar of his stupid, flowery shirt. Stephen let it happen. Alex shook him viciously. Tears were streaming down his face. His mouth was moving, but he couldn’t seem to form any words.

  Alex let go of him, turning away.

  “I froze,” Alex said. “I fucking froze. What do you want me to say?”

  Stephen smoothed the collar on his shirt, and stepped forward. He considered putting his hand on Alex’s shoulder, to try and comfort him, but he thought better of it.

  “Paul is inviting your parents to the party,” Stephen said. “It’s been more than a decade since you spoke, hasn’t it? Whatever you’ve got to say, say it to them.”

  Alex turned around with a thousand questions, but Stephen had vanished into thin air. His milkshake lay spilled on the tiled floor. Everyone was watching Alex. Yet he felt entirely alone.

  16:05:13

  Kate was awkwardly perched on the edge of the sofa, in Alex’s flat. There was a glass of wine on the table in front of her, but she hadn’t touched it yet.

  She couldn’t decide if two bottles of wine at the bar was enough for today, or not quite enough.

  There were boxes of beer, bags of Doritos and dip, chocolate buttons and so on sitting on the coffee table in front of her. She was getting a bit peckish, and considered opening a bag of crisps when Paul walked in, sliding his phone into his pocket.

  “Well,” he said. “I’ve invited everyone who I think likes Alex and might actually show up.”

  He made a face, lifting a warm beer from the box on the table.

  “I take it,” Kate said, “that it’s a limited pool of people to draw from?”

  Paul shrugged.

  “Alex is a lot of things,” he said. “A people person is not one of them. He never has been. He hides when the land lord comes around.”

  Kate glanced around the apartment, taking in the general state of the place. It was quite nice, probably better before Alex and Paul moved in. It wasn’t as nice as her parent’s house, but then again, very few people in the city were that lucky.

  That always made her feel an absurd pang of guilt. She grabbed the wine, and took a few long drinks. It made her feel almost instantly better.

  “I’d hide from the land lord too,” Kate said, grinning.

  “Ha, ha,” Paul said. He sat on the sofa beside her. “So what’s your story, Kate? Tell me about yourself.”

  “Fuck off,” she said.

  Paul waited patiently for the answer, sipping his terrible beer.

  “Fine,” he said, after a moment. “I’ll go first. Hi, I’m Paul, I actually enjoy going to the gym. I’m a fan of expensive haircuts, cheap take out, and overcompensating for my tiny penis. I’m an investment banker and get paid enough to afford a place three times the size of this. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a T-Rex when I grew up.”

  Kate laughed.

  “One of those things is a lie,” Paul said.

  “I bet it’s the investment banker part,” Kate said.

  “That’s a bet you would lose,” Paul said, “Your turn.”

  Kat
e felt like she was back in university and they were doing one of those nightmarish ice breaker things. One of those times where you had to say an interesting thing about yourself, and suddenly you were the most boring person in the world. You were a gaping black hole of a human being. Light entered you, but it never escaped.

  “Hi, my name is Kate,” she started. “You met me when I was about to commit suicide. That’s me in a nutshell. I like green tea, pretending to go to the gym, and sitting awake all night, staring at the ceiling, feeling the weight of my chronic depression choke the life out of me, while I slowly lose my fucking marbles.”

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Paul said.

  He offered his hand, and she shook it. Her hands were tiny and frail, as if they were made of bird bones. Paul figured it was probably because of his huge muscles rather than any sort of comment on Kate’s mental state.

  Kate looked around the apartment, taking it all in again. It was a nice place. New furniture, a well fitted kitchen joining the living room. A dining table buried under empty beer bottles.

  It looked like the places she’d seen plenty as a student, just a tad nicer. These guys didn’t seem to have grown up.

  “So you’re a banker,” she said, as she looked.

  “And you’re a gold digger,” Paul said, giving her a wry grin.

  “I’m just wondering,” she said. “If you apparently earn so much, why stay here?”

  Paul set his beer down on the table, and sunk back into the sofa.

  “For Alex,” he said. “Why else?”

  “Alex is an adult,” Kate said. “He’s perfectly capable of looking after himself.”

  “Alex’s reaction to an intruder in his room was to jump out a sixth floor window,” Paul replied.

  “Touché,” she said.

  “You remind me a little of him, you know,” Paul said, grinning at her.

  “Oh fuck off,” she said.

  “I mean it,” Paul said. “You both seem like you’re not really cut out for this world. I was half expecting Alex to end up on the roof of that car park himself someday. He’s only happy when he’s stoned or hammered. Not a good way to be, but he’s had a rough life.”

  “We’ve all had rough lives,” Kate said.

  “Alex, more than most,” Paul said. “But that’s his business. Not for me to discuss.”

  Kate decided to drop the issue, and instead probe into the life of this guru of life, Paul, who seemed to think he had his shit entirely together.

  “So I suppose you’re happy all of the time then?” Kate said.

  Paul see-sawed his hand in mid-air.

  “It comes and goes,” he said. “Enough to notice when it’s here… and when it isn’t.”

  They both went quiet for a moment. They sipped their drinks in a silence that wasn’t awkward at all.

  “I don’t know if I’ve ever been happy,” Kate said quietly.

  “How bad can it be?” Paul said. “You’ve got enough cash to buy two bottles of wine and throw away two perfectly good pairs of shoes.”

  Kate put her feet up on the coffee table, rattling the beer bottles. She was wearing the shoes Alex had given her, and they fit perfectly.

  “You can’t say that,” she said. “You can’t try to quantify and compare misery. That’s like me telling you you’re allowed to be happy because there’s someone else out there with more money, who’s getting laid more often.”

  Paul laughed.

  “The former is possible,” he said, “the latter, definitely not.”

  “You’re a creep,” Kate said, but not unkindly.

  “Yep,” Paul said. “So what happens tomorrow then? Do you go back onto that roof and just try again?”

  Kate set her drink on the table and stood up.

  “I think I should go,” she said.

  Paul stands too.

  “Hey come on,” he said. “I didn’t mean to… whatever I did.”

  He grabbed her arm, and she shrugged him off.

  “I want to help Kate,” Paul said. “I don’t know how I can but I want to try.”

  “Why?” she said. “What am I to you? Why do you care?”

  But she stayed where she was standing. She hadn’t left, not yet.

  “You’re a human being,” Paul said. “Does it need to be anything more than that?”

  Paul thought about coming right out and saying it. He was torn between being himself and trying to be a comfort. He decided to settle somewhere right in the middle. It was the right choice.

  “Besides,” he said. “I think we’ve got something here…”

  He pointed to her, and to himself.

  “Oh no,” she said.

  “We’ve got chemistry, can’t you feel it?” he said. “I can’t see the sparks, but boy can I feel them flying.”

  He said it in a deliberately sing-song voice.

  “Are you serious?” Kate said. “Do you really think I’m in the mood for any of that shit? Do you really think I’d want to start a relationship with a guy who met me when I jumped off a roof? Do you really think I’m looking for romance five hours after I tried to top myself?”

  “Whoa,” Paul said, putting his hands up. “Chill out. Nobody said anything about a relationship, don’t get ahead of yourself.”

  “Then what the fuck are you on about?” Kate said, rounding on him.

  “I was just taking about sex,” Paul said. “You know, fucking.”

  She stared at him.

  “Me and you,” he continued. “Doing the deed, bumping uglies, making the beast with two backs. What do you say?”

  He kept a straight face as long as he could, but eventually he cracked, and started to laugh. She did too, she laughed long and hard, pounding her fists against his chest.

  15:49:01

  Stephen was sitting on a bench in Hyde Park. He stared into the darkening sky. Sunset was starting to creep across the London skyline. It was still bright and sunny, but the day was dying, and so was Alex.

  He glanced at his watch. Time was wasting, and Alex had gone AWOL. The whole day had gone to shit and there was just over half of it left. He couldn’t be bothered.

  “I’m gone,” he said.

  He vanished from the bench, leaving nothing behind but a faint breeze as the air rushed in to fill the space that he had parked his body in, moments ago.

  He appeared on a narrow street in a small town in Ohio. The place didn’t matter; it was the date that was most important. July sixteenth, nineteen sixty nine. The moon landing.

  It was a bright and warm summer day, and the scene was pure Americana. A crowd of people were watching the broadcast on ancient television sets in a store window. It was hard to see with the glare of sun and the poor quality of the tiny screens, but the crowd made do.

  Stephen was made up in the style of the time. His hair was slicked back, and he was wearing a neat suit, with the right fit.

  He mingled into the crowd, sidling beside a young, beautiful woman with a bouffant hairstyle, wearing a flowery dress. She was transfixed by the scene, completely hypnotised, as was the rest of the crowd.

  Neil Armstrong uttered that famous line. This was it, a crowning moment of human achievement – perhaps most importantly, of American achievement.

  The crowd went wild. Strangers embraced, hugging each other tightly, dancing and cheering. The world came to a stand-still.

  The woman was elated, she jumped and cheered. She turned to the man beside her, a rather tall and handsome figure in a fine suit. She grabbed him, without thinking, and kissed him full on the mouth, with just a lingering flick of her tongue.

  She pulled away, red cheeked, breathless, suddenly ashamed.

  “I’m sorry mister,” she said.

  “God bless America,” Stephen said, laughing and pretending to swoon, putting his hand to his forehead.

  She laughed. Her teeth were white and crooked, with a slight gap between the two front ones on the top row. She had brown hair and green eyes. With a h
aircut, she might have been Audrey Hepburn. She had always been the most beautiful woman Stephen had ever laid his eyes on.

  “Can I buy you a cup of coffee?” Stephen asked. “To celebrate?”

  “Celebrate what?” she said, covering her mouth as she laughed again.

  “Take your pick,” he said. “The best damn kiss I’ve had in my life, or America putting a man on the moon. Hell, let’s celebrate both, and I’ll throw in a slice of pie too.”

  She was a little unsure of herself. She wasn’t that kind of girl, but it was a special day, an incredible day. The possibilities of the future boggled her mind.

  Stephen offered his hand, and she took it.

  In a blink, he was back there again. The crowd watched the landing, waiting for those momentous words. The tape had rewound. Stephen joined the crowd again, a smile on his face. The woman beside him, with the brown hair and the gap between her teeth, watched the broadcast again.

  Stephen smiled, and waited.

  15:28:57

  Alex walked until his legs should have ached, and his lungs should have burn. Instead, he felt nothing. No pain, no tiredness, he could barely even feel his tongue resting against his teeth.

  His route was random, cutting down side streets, dodging crowds, moving in and out of shopping centres and passing by restaurants where couples and families dined in the warm evening.

  The heavy, musky air had given away to a cool and refreshing breeze. The sky had that funny colour that was either dusk or dawn, and he’d had far too many times where he’d woken up and had to check his clock to know which one it was.

  He got a few glances of recognition as the throng on the streets began to fade slightly. His voice was blowing up in his pocket, but he didn’t really care anymore.

  It all seemed so pointless. In such a small amount of time, what could he really change? Sure, he’d saved Kate, but what did that matter? She was just going to try again tomorrow. Maybe even tonight. All he did was delay the inevitable. That hardly seemed a good way to spend his last day.

  Maybe he would go see his parents at the party. He didn’t know what he would say to them, but at this point, he thought he’d probably just break down and cry. He’d fall into his mother’s arms and just let himself be held. Take the anger from them he deserved. Take the full brunt of their rage.